9 Jokes About Religion

“Jesus was a carpenter because he disappeared off the face of the earth for three days with no explanation!”
—Al Murray


dylanmoran“The kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven’t done that well with everybody else.”
—Dylan Moran


ince“On one hand you’ve got the Theory of Evolution, and on the other side you’ve got the Theory of Ta-da!”
—Robin Ince


douglasadams“What makes you wonder about the nature of this god character is that he creates something [coconuts] that is so perfectly designed to be of benefit to human beings and then hangs it twenty feet above their heads on a tree with no branches […] I can only think that the business with the apple must have upset him more than I realized.”
—Douglas Adams



rickygervais“‘In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and the earth was without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of the deep.’ Bit dark. God sorted that out. ‘And God said “Let there be light” and there was light.’ Ha! Isn’t that brilliant? Ay? Oh, come on. That’s amazing. He made light up. There was nothing before. It’s not like he saw some on holiday and went ‘That’d be good back on earth.’ He made it up. Do you not…you’re…He invented…there was no…There was nothing to go by. It’s not like there was twilight and He went ‘Let’s have that a little bit brighter.’ … Come on, that is amazing! Are you…? Free your minds. Listen. So He did the light–he invented it, which means He created the heaven and the earth in the dark! Fuckin’ hell, how good is that?!”
—Ricky Gervais


amstell“I’m not an atheist. Like, I’m a big fan of Jesus Christ. There’s nobody more thin or vulnerable than Jesus Christ.”
—Simon Amstell



stewartlee2“The most successful nature documentary of all time is actually the worst nature documentary of all time, and that is March of the Penguins….It was a massive hit with the religious right in America because in that film, the penguins pair off in a monogamous fashion and they raise their chicks in a kind of ethical, caring way. And so the American religious right decided that this meant that nature wanted us to be good, because the penguins were. Now, I know David Attenborough was suspicious of this logic. I was as well. ‘Cause I started reading about mallards. The mallard duck, which also occurs in nature, it’s from nature. I don’t know if you know but the mallard, it’s the only animal which reproduces exclusively by gang rape. It’s also the only bird ever to have been caught on film indulging in the act of homosexual necrophilia. So, I’ve been trying to raise money to make a documentary film called March of the Mallards, which will prove that nature wants us to be evil.”
—Stewart Lee


eddieizzard“If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”
—Eddie Izzard


terrypratchett2“The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.”
—Terry Pratchett, Small Gods



Jaime Pond is the editor of Anglonerd. She lives and works in NYC. Follow her on Twitter.
Originally posted Feb. 17, 2016

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